By Ben Abelson

After reading all of the wespeaks written in response to my wespeak, I’ve come around to the awful truth: I’m a soulless bastard, destined to spend eternity burning in a lake of fire. 

I mean, gosh darn, I just didn’t realize that there was so much wrong with my eating meat. I sit here sucking blood out of a cow carcass and just think everything’s A-Ok. It was really
kind of the three W.A.R.N. members to respond with three personally insulting essays to get me back on track.

Dan Shannon had a brilliant point in starting his wespeak by telling me to "do us all a favor and shut up." Why didn’t I think of that long ago? Instead, I’ve been living a horribly cruel
existence being ‘speciesist’ (as well as other made-up concepts) according to Joel Bartlett. Darwin and his fellow crazed biologists must be rolling over in their graves’ now that their
wacky ‘food chain’ concept has been overthrown by W.A.R.N.’s crushing rebuttal. I’m also waiting for Joel to go out into the jungle and tell those happy carnivores how they’re being
‘speciesist’ every time they track down their dinner. I’m sure they’ll be all ears.

I especially enjoyed being compared to a "serial killer and a child molester" by Mr. Shannon (he says that they’re lifestyle choices, just as I classified vegetarianism). He really hit the nail
on the head that time, just as Mr. Bartlett did in comparing me to very different concepts than Mr. Shannon: to him, I am a "serial killer and a wife beater."

It’s nice to know that they’re brainwashing everyone with the same anti-meat rhetoric in the cult known as W.A.R.N. I was really hoping to be compared to an iconic conservative figure
– maybe a mix between the Rev. Jerry Falwell, Adolph Hitler, and Idi Amin. But that’s just a wonderful pipe dream to likely be realized in W.A.R.N.’s next response. 

When Mr. Shannon suggested that I go over to Procter & Gamble so they could "stuff your eyes full of caustic chemicals and sew them shut," I was out the door in a flash. And, what a
nice boy he was, offering to lead me to McDonald’s so that I could "volunteer to get murdered, ground up, cooked, and made into a Big Mac." For someone concerned about the
negative implications of being a serial killer (which is almost as bad as eating meat), Mr. Shannon didn’t have any problems having an erotic fantasy about torturing and killing me. And
I’m the one with the problems here.

Dan also told me how "one cannot, under any circumstances, be pro-animal-rights if one eats meat." Whew. What a relief. Here I was, pretending to be against animal testing, and Dan
has blown the whole darn sham apart. In fact, he’s given me a nice sort of ‘get out of jail free’ card. Now that he’s told me the gospel and informed me what my personal beliefs can and
cannot be, there’s a nice excuse for me to freely romp down my destined path of evil. According to Dante (sic) Shannon, I’ll probably be in the eighth ring of hell, somewhere between
Mussolini and Jeffrey Dahmer. Sounds pretty appropriate for a monster of my proportions.

It’s nice to know that vegetarianism and any form of animal testing cannot ideologically co-subsist. I’ll tell my vegetarian friend X, who works in a lab testing primates to help autistic
children, that she no longer exists. I’ll also let her know how she’s being a speciesist monster by daring to put those selfish autistic brats before a rhesus monkey. 

In regards to my newfound freedom to truly behave like a devil, I’m really excited about the new sweatshop I’ve started. While W.A.R.N. probably wouldn’t mind if I recruited homeless
children (since their members put animals before people anyway), I’m afraid that’s just not what happened. But, let me tell you, the little albino mice that I’ve found sure can do a neat box
stitch on these bootleg Nikes that I’m selling. 

This brings up another point: do Mr. Shannon, Ms. Mills, or Mr. Bartlett ever wear leather shoes/sneakers? Because they’ll be joining me in hell along with the majority of the people in
the world if they do.

I admit it: I am "complicit in the cow-killing enterprise." I just can’t wait until Korin Mills brings me up on those charges of hers. Better yet was when she pulled out of thin air this
summary of my own editorial: "Perhaps you would get more support if you only protested cruelty towards puppies and kittens. Everyone loves puppies and kittens." I would correct you,
if I understood where you drew this idea from. I can’t even make a sarcastic comment here, because I don’t know what you’re talking about. But, don’t worry. I’ll be in hell, and you
won’t. Oh wait, you will – remember, you’re a meat eater.

Mr. Barlett would like me and other meat eaters to consider "more often how their actions affect others." Well, by eating meat, I’m providing jobs for millions of people in the meat and
shipping industries, as well as in the restaurant business. And, don’t forget refrigeration and packaging. I feel pretty damn good about how my bacon-cheeseburger is making the world
go ‘round. 

As I sit here in my stygian depths waiting for the Prince of Lies to get back to his old hijinks, I ponder this: there’s a lot of problems between the people of the world today. There are
wars, racism, sexism, gender-bias, genocide and so many other horrible things happening each and every day. If you choose to pre-empt all of that and make animal rights your standing
ground, then I don’t necessarily ‘get’ you, but it’s fine by me. However, the least you could do is not be an obnoxious imbecile in your wespeak – it doesn’t really help you to prove your
point. (One could argue that that is just what I’m doing in this  wespeak. But, I’m not trying to prove anything, and I’m going to hell anyway, so I don’t really care.)

 
Abelson is a member of the class of 2002.