Destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical,

Stumbling through Olin in search of some thesis carrel nookie,

Lurching through the deserted side streets off Washington, off their twats on E,

Crawling upstairs after too many at Eli’s,

Hoping for a job.

O Prefrosh:

Once we were just like you.

Stepping out of mommy’s station wagon, we looked towards the Hill

And saw dreadlock’d hippies playing bongos,

And some chick was probably wearing a bikini,

And there was also a bong, i think, and maybe a stereo playing reggae.

And we said, "Lo, unto thee we fall in desperation!

Save us from suburbia! 

Beckon unto us with your beacon of light!"

(And also, maybe, we hoped, some sexual experimentation. Wocka wocka.)

Up on the hill, it was warm. And sunny.

And we cried, "Bye, Ma! Bye, Pa! Lookee here – i’m a prefrosh!"

And we lugged our mini-backpacks away to find our hosts. 

They took us to Mocon.

We went to some classes.

Yeehaw.

And then we enrolled and ended up in some basement somewhere. But we’re not

bitter.

O Prefrosh.

This has not been easy, but right now we are drunk and maybe stoned.

O Prefrosh – once we were you.

We’ve been through a fuck load of shit. But it’s all so fabulous, right?

Right, Ma! College is fun! Look – John Waters is here!

Yes, prefrosh, every single day we have celebrities on campus. Tomorrow – Cher!

Hey, Pa! College is safe! There ain’t no alcohol, nowhere.

I got news for you, kids – they’re trying to make this weekend dry

So we won’t corrupt you.

I think you want to be corrupted.

I’ve got a freezer full of tequila. I’ve got experience. Try me.

Wait, Ma! Hang on, Pa! Why do all those kids look so ... weird?

It’s Zonker Harris Day, dude. We’re on drugs. Join us.

Frolic with us, O Prefrosh.

We’ve been through hell. And back. Maybe more than once.

Let me tell you a story.

I know a buncha people here. They’re cool. All that and Lou Diamond Philips.

Sometimes people just leave. 

Sometimes we crack, or we get too, too sad. Or we get too angry.

We disappear. 

Shit happens here.

Admissions can tell you how fucking great we are.

Know this:

There are rapes. There is hate. Sometimes we fail.

We’re scared to fail.

We’re real smart, but not all the time.

See how nice and warm it is? 

See all the girls and boys half-naked?

Sometimes it’s cold and the sun can’t shine.

Sometime we cry all night.

See how we’re all happy on the hill?

Sometimes we think we’re drowning.

O Prefrosh – college is a mindfuck.

Hey, Ma! I’m lonely.

Hey, Pa! I’m lost.

O Prefrosh – the more shit you crawl through, the stronger you become.

Don’t think too much this weekend. 

Watch. Listen. Talk. Touch.

Come here and run the gauntlet. 

It ain’t easy.

Don’t be afraid of change. Don’t be afraid of risks.

Question. Think. Dare. Evolve. 

We’ve got six more weeks, Prefrosh,

And you’ve got four years.

We hate you for that. We’re jealous. 

We see ourselves in you. 

Don’t read their pamphlets. Don’t listen to their seminars.

Discover this place for yourselves.

Don’t let the bastards drag you down.

Don’t follow leaders; watch your parking meters.

I thought i knew who i was.

I didn’t.

But I think I do, today. 

Welcome.