Boy:  Santa, what’s that bulge in your pocket? 

SANTA:  Why it’s just a candy cane.

[He removes a candy cane from his pocket and gives it to the boy.]

BOY:  Thanks Santa! But I meant that other bulge.

SANTA: [looking down] Oh…that. That’s a…a chocolate dildo. 

BOY: A...what?

SANTA: A chocolate dildo.

BOY: A what kind of dildo?

SANTA: [pause] Chocolate. Haven’t you ever heard of ‘chocolate?’ 

BOY: Choco-what?

SANTA: Why, you’re the fifth little boy today who doesn’t know what chocolate is! What is going on here! [lights fade]

[He hits a button. Fade to black. ]

[We hear a song—starts softly, but slowly builds. ]

ELF: Break time’s over Walt, you’re back on.
                                   
[Santa sighs and puts out his cigarette. He leaves the room and goes back out to his throne. He beckons the first kid in line to come and sit on his lap.]

SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. And what would you like for Christmas?

BOY: Santa, what’s that bulge in your pocket?
 

Suddenly we find ourselves in a laboratory. We see our department store Santa, naked, lying on a hospital bed. He is connected by a series of wires to a bank of computers. A group of SCIENTISTS hovers over him. An alarm goes off on one
of the machines and the scientists begin to bustle about. We catch glimpses of biker shorts under lab coats. They speak with lisps.

SCIENTIST ONE: Oh my God! There’s a glitch in the program!

SCIENTIST TWO: But...that’s not possible!

SCIENTIST ONE: [peeved] Well Francis, do you have another explanation? Maybe it’s all crashing because your program was working too well! I guess it was so perfect that the computer just couldn’t handle it! 

FRANCIS: Don’t talk to me like that, Will. Let’s not play out our personal issues in a professional setting, okay? 

WILL: [miffed] Well Francis, maybe I would be able to do that if the whole office didn’t already know about you and Jake! [a flash of light, then a brief silence]

FRANCIS: Damn it, Will! We’ll get into this later. Now will you help me fix this problem or won’t you?

WILL: Will goes over to a computer. He starts typing away. After a moment he nods to Francis.  [hitting his stride] This’ll do it. 

AARON: Wow! Left me breathless. What I loved was the part where the scientist says ‘Damn it Will! We’ll get into this later" — I thought that was just great. And also the end. I liked the end. 

LUKE: What really fascinated me was how he never really gave any of the characters names except for the scientists and the Santa at the end. It made them, I thought, kind of archetypal characters. His failure to root the story in a specific time or place gave it the feeling of an allegory. These were not specific characters, but rather broad social types.