| Tuesday, April 25, 2000 |
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As we sat at the Campus Center the other day, greeting our many friends and admirers, we were struck by how few of them had nicknames. Sure, some people allowed us to use shortened versions of their names, and there were some that we only referred to by their dominant physical abnormalities, but those aren’t really nicknames when you think about it. As we conversed, a number of students approached our table and shared with us their concerns about this campus and the lack of quick and intimate ways of greeting friends and close acquaintances. The problem seems to be that–over the past few years–nicknames have somehow acquired a reputation for being childish. It was okay to be know as Chubs or ‘Lil Pete when you were a kid, but now you’re all grown up you need to be all professional with names like Steven or Julia or Kimberly. Well fuck that! Nicknames have always been an important part of your life and to turn your back on them now is like if you were in space and one astronaut who was your best friend was floating out into space and you could almost grab him if you’d just reach a little farther but then you decide to go back into the shuttle because there’s a conference call from the President. Remember when you were a kid and you used to love nicknames? Remember Mickey (Michael) Mouse and Donald (Donaldio) Duck? Well we do. And with that in mind we went through the entire campus directory and created a nickname for each and every one of you. Unfortunately, we did not have enough space to print all of the names. But if you can’t find yourself on this page (or if you are somehow dissatisfied with your AmperApproved Nickname) don’t despair. What you have to realize is that you can very easily make yourself a nickname for yourself and by yourself. As a novice Nicknameateur, you will probably want to start yourself off with a pretty simple nickname. Nothing too tricky the first time out. Try one of these four basic types of nicknames to get yourself started: 1. The Physical Characteristic: If someone has a dominant physical characteristic, this can be highlighted in a nickname. A friend with a big nose might become "Big Nose." A friend who is fat might become "Fat Friend." 2. The Physical Characteristic (Inverse): Operating on the same sophisticated principles as sarcasm, this is when a nickname focuses on a characteristic that the subject does not possess. If a person is 6’4" and 300 lbs, you could call them "Tiny.’ Or you might call your bald Grandfather "Hair." Be careful here, though, because these nicknames carry a hint of mockery and often upset people. They work best on subjects who will not be able to fight back (too fat to move, too old to stand up, too legless to run after you). 3. The Rhyme: Simple and straightforward. You simply find a word that rhymes with a friend’s first or last names…and presto! Instant nickname. More advanced nicknamers will want to find a word that not only rhymes, but that is also in some ways descriptive of said friend. Examples include Cyrus the Virus, Mean Joe Green, Stu the Jew, and Hilarious Harris. 4. The Shortening: This seems simple, right? You just take a name and knock some letters off it, right? That’s right, right? Wrong. There is a real science to shortening names, and it will take some practice before you really get the hang of it. Did you know that it took four world-class nicknologists three years to produce Dick from Richard. And although the origins of "Bob" and "Jim" remain something of a mystery, you can bet that, like Rome, they weren’t come up with in a day.
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