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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW:

professor khachig tololyan discusses fashion, boys and how to look fine

When I learned that I would be interviewing the totally brainy professor Khachig Tololyan, I was completely psyched. Finally I would get to meet the man whose wit, style, and parallel sentence structure has made him famous campus-wide. When I walked into his oh-so-chic office, I saw an Abercrombie-worthy guy wearing a pink shirt under a v-neck sweater with a blue blazer hanging over his chair. I knew I had to ask him questions that would get beyond his Doogie Houser intellect to find the sweet, sensitive guy under the surface.

—Miriam Gottfried

So, what’s your sign?

Virgo.

What is your number one wardrobe item?

I own four black or navy blue blazers.

Why do you like them?

Camouflage. It means that you don’t have to think about what you wear. I’m like many men of a certain age. I like something that spares me the task of thinking about what I’m going to wear. I also own six pink shirts and six blue shirts, and I don’t have to think about that. And I own dark colored slacks and khaki slacks, dark for winter, khaki for summer.

What’s you favorite/most successful pick-up line?

As far as I know I have never picked anyone up. That’s actually a true statement. I think that’s true. Yes, I believe it’s true. If you’re in a university, you get to meet people naturally. People introduce you to their friends, you meet people at meetings, etcetera. So if you’re not a person who goes to clubs or dances with that purpose, you never have to have a pick-up line. I’m sure I’d be terribly clumsy at them.

What’s your number one turn-on in a relationship?

I think I like people who can go from being very reserved to being very animated so that there is a degree of unpredictability. You don’t know when they’ll be withdrawn into themselves and when they’ll come out screaming, so to speak. I don’t like to be in a relationship with someone who’s reserved all the time, and I have to do all the work. And I don’t like the kind of people who are always on, really hyper.

Besides what you mentioned, what’s your number one turn-off?

I think like most people, I don’t like to be in a situation where ahead of time it’s clear what you’re supposed to be and do to satisfy the other person’s idea of the relationship. You want to work out most of that as you go along. There are people who have agendas in their lives. They somehow, back in Barbie doll stage, thought out what it is they wanted to be and what shape they wanted their life to have, and they wanted, let’s say, a man to lead it with. You’re actually supposed to just fulfill the role they give you, you know, their life script. I don’t care for casting calls.

If you were to cook dinner for a girl on your first date, what would you make?

Umm. I don’t believe that in the last twenty years I’ve cooked anything other than hot dogs and beans and spaghetti and olive oil. I never cook. That’s what restaurants are for.

Where would you take a girl on your ideal date?

I’m comfortable in a lot of environments. I’d want to take her where I though she could both feel comfortable and we could both be at our best. No really noisy restaurants or bars. When I have a choice, I actually like to go to good restaurants. I’m a person who can’t cook but loves to eat. Ideally, that’s what I like. I know it’s very ordinary, but that’s what I like.

What song makes your heart skip a beat?

You’re asking the wrong person, I don’t even have a CD player. The only songs that I like that I can think of offhand are by someone you probably don’t even know, Cole Porter.

I love Cole Porter.

Well, all I have to say is Cole Porter wrote a bunch of the best songs any American ever wrote. I like them when they’re performed by someone older, like Frank Sinatra, or by someone like what’s his name’s daughter…

Natalie Cole?

Yes, Natalie Cole. I lived through the 60s and rock and roll, and I’m almost entirely immune to rock and roll. I’m just very old-fashioned when it comes to music. I like the Beatles, I like the Rolling Stones…There are some songs by Jim Morrison that I like. I haven’t listened to any of them since 1970 or so.

What is the one beauty product you can’t live without?

Scissors to trim my mustache. Beauty product, ha, ha. See you picked the wrong guy, I mean really, I live a life that some of my younger colleagues can’t believe. They don’t believe that I actually don’t have a CD and can drive for hours without turning on the radio, in complete silence. I live mostly inside my head. I eat, I talk to people, I read books, I travel; that’s pretty much it. I spend time with my girlfriend!

What’s your advice to men seeking to impress their prospective lovers?

Don’t try too hard. Let them try to impress you.

How about for women?

Ha, ha, ha. This interview is not so much funny as embarrassing. I would say that actually something that is intriguing is to allow yourself to have an expressive face, and to let it be clear that thoughts or emotions are passing through, but you’re not articulating them, you’re not speaking them. You’re not trying to play cool, bland, passive…you’re letting it happen, it’s visible, but he can’t tell what they are because you’re not verbalizing them yet you’re taking your time.

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