I am bitter. Like many, I am whiling away spectacularly mild days toiling indoors on some bullshit work (sorry if this preview seems a tad hasty). Occasionally though, I am swept into reverie, for this summer the picture shows will be giving us the good shit. This summer is shaping up to be a bit of a phallus palace (where’s Tomb Raider 3 at when you need it?), but do women ever get a fair shake during blockbuster season? Viva la revolucion… but until then I will rank this summer’s films out of ten on the Lil’ Indian-‘O-Meter (based on how psyched I am/anticipate that I will feel intense pleasure whilst viewing).



o Super Size Me (May 7, documentary)- Guy eats McDonalds every meal for a month, and the muck he rakes never tasted so good. 7

o Van Helsing (May 7, Stars Hugh Jackman a.k.a. Wolverine)- Who better to usher in the megapics (to the tune of $148 mil) than Huge Sack Man. He plays the titular hunter of things-that-go-bump-in-the-night. As long as he’s no Extraordinary Gentlemen, we’re in good hands with Hollywood’s most virile leading man. 6

o New York Minute (May 7, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen) The twins turn 18 this summer. The film’s title refers to how long it will take a nation to climax. 2 End of the statutory era: 10

o Troy (May 14, Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom)- An epic everybody is familiar with gets the cash-money treatment. Too bad Homer is blind, and deceased, or he would have seen brawny pretty boys Pitt (Achilles) and Bloom (Paris) square off. Swoon! (On an ironic note, production was halted for several months when Pitt damaged his Achilles tendon.) 8

o Coffee and Cigarettes (May 14)- Jim Jarmusch directs a series of vignettes connected by everybody’s favorite vices. Guaranteed highlight: Bill Murray waits on Wu Tang killer bees RZA and GZA. 9

o Shrek 2 (May 21)- Shrek visits the in-laws (Papa John Cleese) and is pursued by a certain feline assassin-in-boots (Antonio Banderas). Delightful! 8

o The Day After Tomorrow (May 28)- You never know what will happen tomorrow, much less the DAY AFTER. Could be some sort of ICE AGE!! Ho hum. 5

o Soul Plane (May 28)- Snoop Dizzy pilots a crackalackin aerial pimp pad. Tom Arnold and Method Man all up onz. For serious. 5

o The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi (June 4, Takeshi Kitano)- Have you ever seen a blind masseur/swordsman shed prodigious pints of blood then tap dance? Most of Asia has. 8

o Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban (June 4, Gary Oldman) Tip-toeing oh so very carefully so as to not botch the Potter films, Chris Columbus managed to make the enthralling bland, the captivating less so. Enter the randy auteur who brought us Y Tu Mama Tambien. Ron, Harry, and Hermione probably will not ménage, but Dementors and a sinister Oldman will up the ante on the finest literary entry in the Potter oeuvre thus far. 9

o The Chronicles of Riddick (June 11)- Let out your bated breath, the sequel to Pitch Black is here. Vin!! Diesel!!! Mild sarcasm!!!! 5.5

o Garfield (June 11)- The prattling fat cat at long last! Bill Murray on the mic! 5

o The Terminal (June 18, Spielberg and Hanks)- Touchdown Tommy plays an immigrant who sleeps at the airport. Some other stuff probably happens, but wutev, we got the dynamic duo up in this piece! 8

o Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (June 18)/Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (July 9)- Stiller/Ferrell. Dodgeball/70’s local news station. New humor trails being blazed. 7’s

o White Chicks (June 23) …and those trails are covered up again. The Wayans brothers go undercover as Hilton-esque rich bitches. Unbearably obvious racial humor will ensue… 2

o Spider-Man 2 (June 30)- Spidey tangles with Dr. Octopus. ‘Nuff said (‘cept for money, money, money, mooooooney!). 8

o King Arthur (July 7, Keira Knightley)- The stuff of legends. Director Antoine Fuqua (Training Day) will keep the proceedings dark and stylized. Knightley, everybody’s favorite Bendable object, plays Guinevere. 6

o Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (July 9, doc.)- Finally we will bear witness to the teeming underbelly of the beast. 8

o I, Robot (July 16)- Yes, all it shares is a title with Asimov’s eerily prescient novel, but Will Smith’s personal policy has always been tough on robots. Proyas, Hollywood’s dystopian visionary of choice (The Crow/Dark City i.e. what The Matrix should have been), will give Smith’s sangfroid some spice. 7.5

o Catwoman (July 23, Halle Berry, Sharon Stone) The summer’s sole female headlining protagonist and she is decked out in barely-there leather. Well, at least Stone is in the mix to provide a positive female role model. Cross-uncross. 7

o The Village (July 23) As long as there is no Sign language, M. Night Schmeggegie always has a few tricks in store. 9

o The Manchurian Candidate (July 30)- The contemporary remake of a classic isn’t blasphemy when it stars Denzel and Streep, even if it is updated to the Gulf War. 8

o Open Water (August 6)- The Blair Jaws Project, or something more clever. 9

o Alien vs. Predator (August 13) First show. Opening day. Ticket please. 4

o Hero (August 20) Jet Li’s martial artistry tells gravity that he fucked its mother. 9

o Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (Summer, Jude Law, Paltrow, Jolie)- Gorgeous retro noir look= Iron Giant on crack rock, old school. 10