Ampersand

Last week’s Nicknames Issue has given us more feedback than a microphone set on top of a speaker that’s resting on top of some sort of big recording device that doubles as a speaker but gives off a lot of feedback. While those people who received nicknames all seem pretty content, we were surprised with the overwhelmingly negative response from those whose names were not printed. They have been pestering us all week, and we now feel compelled to shed light on a subject that some of you may very well wish had stayed unshed upon by light. 

Last Monday we collected nicknames for every student in this school. But due to a lack of space–and a preponderance of ethics–we only printed about 1,200 of these monikers. Those who were left unnamed should have kept quiet–for their own good! The nicknames we omitted were often so shocking, so utterly embarrassing, that our cheeks reddened even as we typed them out. In embarrassment! 

But you complained. You wouldn’t let well enough alone. Like moths around a flame, you kept circling around us and buzzing and stuff. They always say that you can’t judge a book by its cover, and yet many of you still judged the omission of your nickname by the apparent cover of neglect, when, in fact, that is not the cover on which you should have been judging anything. We were swarmed by angry students who tried to overthrow their lack of nickname like the brave New Englanders who expelled the tyrannical British from our great nation. But while things may have ended well for said New Englanders (I mean, just look at them now!) things will not end so well for those of you who have been harassing us all week. You asked us to print your nicknames and now we’re going to do it. Here is an addendum to last week’s nickname list:

Reyhan "Your Knees" Harmanci, Scott "God Doesn’t Love You" Kushner, Jarrett "Goebbels" White, Ben "Alright Bitch, Up Against The" Wahl, Mike "Poop-Poop" Schwartz, Anna-Martine "Carl’s Told Us Some Things About You" Salick, Thea "Farts A Bunch" Nelson, Josh "Worthless Piece of Shit" Marker, Katherine "Man Hands" Lipman, and Eric "Stinky" Ducker.

                                                         -Luke Del Tredici & Aaron Hilliard
                                                                                         AmperEditors