Opinions

By Curtis Yee 

In an unusual move that has been publicized ad nauseum, Elian Gonzalez, the happy bouncy Cuban refugee, has been abducted by the FBI to be returned to his communist homeland. Hundreds of Elian-lovers have made a human chain-bracelet and barricaded Elian within in his own house to make sure he detained in the land of the free. The FBI had no choice but to forcefully seize him. Castro promises that such lifestyle would not change once back to the Motherland, and several surprise" kidnappings have already been planned. Allow me to predict the tabloids of Elian Gonzales in the months to come. It is now rumored that the CIA, in a blatantly defiant act, will secretly infiltrate FBI headquarters to kidnap Elian back for publicity reasons. A spokesperson for the Elain Fanatics said that ever since Elian was taken away, hundreds of people have been suffering from withdrawal symptoms. In order to verify this, the FDA will secretly abduct Elian from the CIA to conduct tests to see if Elian contained addictive substances such as nicotine. During this time, Janet Reno has offered 

Fidel Castro, in exchange, "any one of the Backstreet Boys." Elian could not be reached for comment. Thus, Barbara Walters will secret abduct Elian and conduct an interview, followed by Fox’s, "Who wants to Marry a Cuban Refugee." A marriage will be conducted and a green card issued immediately. In short, the pundit will be punted around until he becomes a one-hit-wonder. This is the most trauma a kid had to suffer ever since Lindberg’s Baby was tossed out of a closed window. 

The correct course of action is obvious. Elian must now be sent to the People’s Republic of China. Firstly, the Cuban population in China is extremely low and therefore could not cause any significant civil disturbance against the government. Secondly, the populace of China cannot really care less for a Cuban immigrant even if he is kind of cute. Being "cute" in Cuban terms may mean "funny looking" in certain rural provinces. Thirdly, Elian has already been brainwashed and has suffered so much disillusion, that his brain cannot function properly due to minimal cognitive processing. To counter all the Americana he’s been force fed, only several years of "re-education" in China can remedy his unbalanced disorder. How can a kid think of eating hamburgers and playing with Pokemon when working 16-hour days? He’ll have all the toys in the world, as he will be assembling them in a factory anyway. Politically, it is also an ideal solution. While Fidel Castro can bask in the glory that Elian is passed onto the hands of a comrade Communist, America can smile at the fact that he’s also been passed onto a Most Favored Nation. Chinese Communism is synonymous to Capitalism regardless. Why content with giving Elian to only one family, when being in China means he will be surrounded by a billion of sisters and brothers? Also, in his new "family", it is near impossible for any member of the press to find him, interview him and film him doing stupid things and saying things like "Yo Quiero Taco Bell". He must be stopped at all measures from appearing anymore in the media. These are just some of the many reasons why Elian has to be safeguarded in China and protected from any more media. I propose we start the Reunite Elian Gonzales with his Motherland, People’s Republic of China motion, or the REGMPRC for short. In fact, all incoming cute, bouncy refugees should be deported instantly to China to discourage them. How mistaken was John Milton to have written Paradise Lost without ever looking Eastward!!

Yee is a member of the class of 2003.