You may have noticed the signs all around campus declaring that this is "Shake Shit Up Week." We applaud the efforts of the anonymous masterminds behind this event, but before you all go around asking people out willy-nilly, we here at the Ampersand would ask you to sit down and think about what you’re doing. A lot of you seem to be rushing headlong into a situation that you don’t really understand.

Here’s a tip for the men out there: asking a girl out is a lot like hunting for deer. You put on all these clothes, you buy some fancy new equipment, and you get all your hopes up. Then you go out into the woods and freeze your ass off waiting for a deer to even show up. When one finally does come wandering by, your aim is off and you hit in right in the eye. That doesn’t kill it, though, and it starts running around in circles with blood pouring out of its shattered eye-socket. It starts squealing in pain and the ghastly cries send shivers down your spine. After a minute of this it finally collapses from shock and exhaustion. You go over to try to put it out of it’s misery, but your second shot still doesn’t kill the pathetic beast. It tries to get back up but it can’t even stand, so it just flails around on the ground for half an hour before finally bleeding to death. Just like a girl.

And ladies, you shouldn’t even be thinking about asking out men. Guys only want to be left alone. They like women who display a complete lack of initiative. Nothing is more off-putting than an aggressive girl. Look at it this way: if a guy liked you, he’d already have asked you out. If he hasn’t done it by now, he never will. This is just how it works. If you haven’t made the cut yet, you should give up. He clearly thinks that you’re ugly or boring or something. Maybe you should just accept the inevitable and become a lesbian like everybody else on this damn campus.

We know that you can’t win if you don’t try, but you’re not going to win anyway, so why bother?

Aaron Hilliard & Luke Del Tredici
Amper Editors