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Starting next February, Residential Life will begin the process of making certain large deciduous and coniferous trees hospitable for frosh who would have lived in Clark, which is to be renovated in the 2001-2002 school year.

Construction that has been approved involves building platforms, a telephone system of coconuts connected by strings, and little buckets for food that can be raised and lowered by a
rope. 

Pre-frosh who planned to live in Clark in the 2001-2002 school year have been warily awaiting news from the administration as to where they will be living when they arrive. Plans to
remodel Clark and send them up into trees have left them bereft of what the administration likes to call the "party dorm."

"Fuck that shit," said a belligerent Dean of Students Fred Molehill, "We’re the 9th best liberal arts college in the nation. Do you know how many fucking fruit baskets to US News that is? Those students should be begging on their goddamn knees to live in the sewers."

Our first choice was to buy more housing," said Hoi Polloi ’78, a high-ranking administrator of ResLife, "but that costs so much money, and we already spent so much on Long Lane. We’re just plum out of money."

The first portion of student housing rearrangement will involve scouting for proper trees around campus. President Dirk Benatar has hired an independent surveyor, his cat Muffy, for $3 million dollars to complete the job by late December. 

"Hims is a good surveyor, isn’t hims," cooed Benatar while cuddling the black and white stray who captured his heart two years ago. 

Muffy’s job involves tours of campus to inspect tree height and girth, as well as trunk stability, the width of the branch crown, and how much bird shit is in the immediate vicinity.

"Muffy’s such a lamb chop. He’s such a dear," warbled Benatar in a falsetto voice. 

So far, Muffy has not begun this job, spurring discontent within factions of ResLite, Philosophical Plant, and the administration in North College that are in charge of the renovations. Rumors have flourished.

"Dude, that fucking cat is Benator’s little fucking bitch. He’s not an independent party. He’s picking the trees that the President wants him to pick, not the best, safest trees to live in," said Chuck Schmuck, a ResLife administrative assistant with a nice hard tush. Schmuck voiced concern that Benatar is influencing Muffy’s decision because his favorite trees are those that remind him of his childhood in Siberia. 

"Darned if I didn’t grow up with little Dirkie, and danged if all the trees in Siberia aren’t crooked as the administration’s ambishuns," said Benatar’s boyhood friend Crackhead Jeannette, a popular drag queen in Miami. Neither Crackhead, nor Schmuck, have any guesses as to why Benatar would place students in an unsafe living situation. 

However, an anonymous source offered a possible reason.

"Who do you think he’s putting in those trees next year? White hippie folk! This is diversity U, not Reed, kiddies... Rockabye baby, in the tree top, downing their organic beer and smoking their pot, when the wind blows the students will fall and down comes the dirty hippie cliques, dreds and all," sang the troll.

Once Muffy selects the trees, construction will occur. Schmuck said that, best case scenario, each tree will hold 15 to 20 students; each will be outfitted with flat floors for sleeping bags so that "students don’t roll off and die while they sleep" and ladders that connect the trees to create what Schmuck calls ìa sense of community."

"Well, I figure first we got to get up in the damn things, so I figure ladders are the first thing we’ll build," said Willy Gogettum, a door handle inspector and part-time window-sill examiner, as he scratched his head.

"I’m allergic to trees. I hope they don’t put me in a tree," said Lucinda-Skye Witdimonds, a pre-frosh from Louisiana who visited Wesleyan last weekend. Witdimonds has applied early decision to Wesleyan, but plans to break the legal binding that would force her to go if she is placed in a first-year tree dorm. 

"The fact remains," said Benatar. "My kitty turns me on."