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Horoscope

These horoscopes really suck. We like lollipops.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21):

You will have a flash of intuition informing you which class to skip. Only later will you find out how wrong you really were.

Sagittarius (11/22-12-20):

Keep making sucky faces at random strangers. Only stop when they start punching you.

Capricorn (12/21-1/19):

Use your umbrella to avoid people. Stab them if necessary. Go for the eyes on them suckers.

Aquarius (1/20-2/17):

People should stop taking the Argus and Wes speaks and Wes celebs and columnists so seriously. Instead, more attention should be paid to the
mole-people of the North. They’re advancing. Heed them.

Pisces (2/18-3/19):

We be getting down and you know we’re the conjunction crush grooving. Let me get some action from the back section. Celebrate National Coming Out Day.

Aries (3/20-4/19):

Do you have a housemate who doesn’t like things cleaned for him/her? Clean things for him/her. Watch the reaction. Duck when he/she comes after you with the just used mop and utters things like, "I’ll mop you!"

Taurus (4/20-5/19):

"DON’T do that."

Gemini (5/20-6/20):

There are parts of Middletown you don’t know exist. Find them. Pretend you are going for a bike-ride. Steal Halloween decorations for your
dorm/house.

Cancer (6/21-7/21):

Start making your own shoes. Learn to work with wood. Use your hands. Start keeping your own woodpile. Look at it often. Keep looking at it. Still looking? No? What did I tell you? Oh, now you’re going to hell.

Leo (7/22-8/22):

The fault is not in ourselves but in the stars. You are off the hook. Start growing orchids in your room. If you can’t find orchids, other exotic plants will do.

Virgo (8/23-9/21):

Do nothing. Veg. Stare at your wall. See how long it takes for your roommates/housemates to notice you are not responding.