Opinions

Wespeaks:
Ampersand Blows Big Time

Last year I was introduced to the Argus. As a freshman I sometimes didn’t have time to read all the articles in the paper. However, every time I picked up the Argus I would immediately flip to the Ampersand and laugh my ass off. On a side note, it also provided for humorous reading while I was taking a crap in the Campus Center. 

I don’t think I was alone in my enjoyment of the Ampersand. However, after reading the "Ampersand" this year (I put it in quotes, because I don’t want to offend the previous writers of the Ampersand by giving the piece of shit that now occupies a page in the middle of the Argus the same name) I have been really pissed off. I goddamn demand my old Ampersand back. Having Matt Sienkiewicz and Sara Morrison trying to fill the place of Aaron Hilliard and Luke Del Tredici is like me being the stunt cock for Ron Jeremy (not that I’m not big and all, but…). Putting "clever" Olympic chants in the place where actual comedy once resided is disgraceful.

In their first article this year they extolled apathy as the new motto of the Ampersand and after reading the past few editions it is obvious they hold true to their values. They have finally shown some effort in laying out the section, however obviously they still put a half-assed effort into the section’s appearance as exemplified in their love of typos, poor grammar, and theft of the layout from other Argus sections.

In a past article they came out in favor of the drinking policy, after the Argus had several articles showing its flaws, which is ironic because if students were allowed to get drunk maybe they would find the new Amper funny. Let me set something straight. The following things are neither funny nor witty: repeating the questions in the WesCeleb section and asking them to an inanimate object (which doesn’t respond), listing Sara’s pet peeves, and asinine commentaries on global threats. In fact, to amend to the second of those three things, any self-promoting bullshit about the writers of the Ampersand at all, (which there is plenty of now) lacks comedy. Sorry Sara and Matt, but the "Ampersand" now does for comedy what John Tesh does for investigative journalism. For Christ’s sake, how do these mental midgets of comedy get an entire page when I can’t even get a column? If Gandhi were alive he’d bitch slap both of them.

I think Matt should do as he promised in his article in last May’s Ampersand and, "curl up in fetal position. Remain there, twitching, until senior year." As for Sarah she can do as she promised and, "continue to work well with fellow editor Matt Sienkiewicz ’03" as he lies in his ditch. If they don’t want to go that far, even though it was promised to us, at least they should give up the Ampersand. To quote the funniest person at the Comedy and A capella Jam, (the freshman heckler responding to the New Teen Force’s "comedy" skit) "all of you suck". I want the old Ampersand back. When I sit down to drop a deuce in the campus center I want something funny to read, not a page to wipe my ass with.

Sherman is a member of the class of 2003.