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WAFFLES ARE
NEW!! By Luke Del Tredici,
Aaron Hilliard, |
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Some students had similar reactions. "I thought I had been eating waffles all my life," said Betty Hugeshoes ’02. "But it t—ns out I hadn’t." Because waffles are n-w! Others had strikingly different reactions. "I always thought waffles were wheat," said Simon Schuster ’99. Not quite, Simon! Not unless "wheat" means "new" (which it does not). When asked what day it was, noted child psychologist Dr. Maurice Flannagan had this to say: "Monday." She also had this to say about waffles and bread: "The thing about bread is that in most cases it tends to be square. Waffles are round. Round as… as a ball!" Balls Are Round Two students lie dead in the street tonight in the aftermath of the shocking riots that broke out early this evening when, in a surprising turn of events, it was announced that "balls are round." No sooner had local child psychologist Maurice Flannagan uttered those very words, than violence erupted in the normally peaceful neighborhood of Squareball Terrace. Blood-curdling screams echoed through the empty streets as irate protestors gathered to shout such powerful slogans as "Balls are not round!" and "Balls are as square as bread tends to be, dammit!" While reminiscent of the "balls are circular" debate that nearly ripped this tiny island community apart ten years ago, the current "balls are round" movement seems to be rather unique. "Basically what we’ve got here are two opposing sides," said Dr. Bing "one side thinks that balls are round, and the other firmly believes that balls are, in fact, not so round. Personally I’ve never seen anything like it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go walk my dog." Dogs Can Walk "Dogs can walk" was the word on the street today after an investigative committee out of Washington D.C. announced at 11:30 a.m. that "dogs can walk." Posters - many in the shapes of walking dogs - were immediately put up around the city, but by noon the movement had attracted something of a backlash. "Dog’s can’t walk," said one particularly excited young man, gesturing wildly towards a trash can. "Take old Seymour here ... He can’t walk worth a lick. He sure does hold a lot of trash, though." Dogs Hold a Lot of Trash Look out, trash cans. Here comes dogs! At least that’s what we’ll be saying in a month — or two — if Michael Redford of Easton, Massachusetts has his way. Redford and his mom are selling dogs in a variety of sizes and colors for use in the home, garage, and office. Despite the seeming practicality of Redford’s designer dogs, they have been met with mixed reviews. "I like the dogs," said Mrs. Freddy Butler of Wayne, Arkansas, "but I’m concerned whether kitchen-sized bags will fit in them." "I don’t like the dogs," said Janet Maslin, film critic for The New York Times. "I think they’re wrong." Also included on Maslin’s "List of Wrong" were duffel bags, hair, and light bulbs. Light Bulbs Are Wrong Well, the verdict is in, and light bulbs are out (wrong). That’s right, light bulbs are wrong. The invalidation of the longstanding belief that light bulbs are, in fact, right has plunged much of the rest of the light-giving community into a sort of "wrong-chaos". Jeremy Sanders, a young road flare, had this to say. "If light bulbs are wrong, what’s next? I mean, are they gonna find out that flashlight bulbs are wrong? Halogens, car headlights? Please. Next thing you know, they’re gonna be telling you that the sun isn’t really on. They’ll probably say it’s… y’ know, like… off." The Sun is Off Two members of the astronomical community were shocked to hear that the sun — the giver of life and creator of all that is, was, and shall be — is "off." "Dude, that sucks," said Duncan Little, author of the bestselling novella The Sun Also Rises (Because it is On). "I guess I’ll go open that long-range bakery." "People just don’t understand," explained the other guy, Vinnie Blitzpants. "They take all this stuff for granted. The sun gives us light. But people are like, ‘I guess we’re okay, cuz the sun is still there, so we’ve still got gravity.’ But, dude; the sun’s got gravity, but does gravity have the sun?! No. Believe me, gravity pales in comparison to the sun." Gravity is Pale "Gravity is Pale." "Excuse me?" "Gravity is Pale." "I’m sorry ... What?" "Gravity is Pale." "Shut up." "I like bran a lot!" "Dude, we weren’t even talking about bran before." We Weren't Even
Talking It’s true. We weren’t. Except in the headline, but that doesn’t really count since people don’t actually "talk" headlines.
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