Horoscopes

By Glynda, Zeldo and Marugop
Psychic Partners

Aries—Back to school means back to cool. You’ll be a hit on campus with your new car you’ll win when you spin The Wheel of Fortune. Say hi to Pat for us, but don’t tell Vanna any secrets. Your lucky fall trend: light blue long-sleeved T-shirts.

Taurus—Do the Humpty Hump. Did you once make out in a Burger King bathroom? I did. And boy, were those floors sticky. We see ResLife playing a big part in your future, and it’s not an upgrade. Your lucky fall trend: segregating yourself from others.

Gemini—Take a trip on a sailing ship. Or the Safety Shuttle. Or your friend’s Subaru wagon. Same thing, really. Eat some posies and bran for breakfast and your morning will run sweetly. Your lucky fall trend: short hair if you’re male, shorter hair if you’re female.

Cancer—For the love of God, don’t go near High Street!! Why? I dunno. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you—those potholes are a bigger menace to society than nose piercings. Your lucky fall trend: magazines with makeup samples.

Leo—Here comes Leonardo. Leonardo Lion. King of Bongo Congo, and something something something. I bet you get that a lot: Simba, Mufasa, etc. If you only had some courage, you’d stand up to us. Bring it on. Your lucky fall trend: inflatable oatmeal.

Virgo—Gosh, you’re cool. You’re so cool we hardly know what to say to you. We quake in your presence. We have altars built to you in our rooms. Wait a minute... you’re a Virgo? I’M A VIRGO TOO!!! WOW!!! Your lucky fall trend: grand larceny.

Libra—Go fishin’. Pull in a couple of stripers, bass, groupers... Leave the trout. They’re poisonous. Dang! I sure do like trout. DANG! You’ll have to get some of that trout substitute they sell at WeShop. Don’t ask what’s in it. Your lucky fall trend: being a frosh.

Scorpio—Rutger Hauer loves you. But he’s mad that none of his films are in the American Film Institute’s Top 100. Except maybe Blade Runner. Okay, he’s happy now. And he loves you all the more. Your lucky fall trend: streaking the baseball diamond which might have been moved.

Sagittarius—Get yerself a map. Find yourself on it. Put a big red dot there, along with the words "I am here." That about sums it up. Just kidding. You are an amazing, dynamic person who drinks lots of fluids. Your lucky fall trend: makin’ waffles. Oh yeah.

Capricorn—Curly hair is BEAUTIFUL. Don’t let anybody tell you differently. Gleaming, shining, flaxen, waxen; as long as it’s curly, you’re golden. And if you’re a Capricorn and your hair’s not curly...uh...get a perm like Carol Seaver on "Growing Pains" in 1986. Your lucky fall trend: carrots and hummus (pronounced "CHOO-moos").

Aquarius—If someone rings your doorbell at Intown and tries to sell you magazines, offer him a free subscription to a magazine of your own. One like "Giant Robot," "Nintendo Power," or "Cat Fancy." Your lucky fall trend: eating paste.

Pisces—They call you "Mellow Yellow." They also call you flaky, crunchy, granola-y, wifty, tree-hugger-y, and Bob. But don’t let the Man get you down—just play your bongos on Foss Hill till the dawn comes up like thunder over your dirty hair. Your lucky fall trend: dangling participles and misplaced modifiers.