Newsflash: The Food Here Sucks!
Grille Replaces Crappy Taco Meat with Crappy Orange Taco Meat
-plus-
Malted Waffles Contain Root of all Evil

By Bob Weythman

I like to think of myself as a pretty easygoing guy: I walk a lot, I like to breathe, heck, sometimes I even go swimming. But as I walked away from another meal at the Campus Center last Thursday afternoon, I couldn’t help but notice HOW FREAKIN’ MUCH THE FOOD HERE SUCKS!!!

Can somebody please tell me what the hee-ell is wrong with this place?! No, wait, don’t bother. I’ll tell you – it’s the food! It sucks!!! Everywhere, on this campus, at Wesleyan University, in Middletown, Connecticut, USA, the food sucks hard-core to the bone. And I’m not gonna take it anymore.

"Why?" you ask...?

"Because," I respond. "It sucks."

COURTESY DESK It’S 10:00, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR PIZZAS ARE? Public Safety reported that a record 239 uneaten or "slightly eaten" pizza slices were abandoned at various and damp locations on campus, some with trite notes attached to them that read, "Crappy [piece of pizza]."

And it does! It’s no lie. Just look at the "más stupido" tacos! Notice anything different lately? How about the nuclear orange glow radiating from the "meat"? It’s so freakin’ bright, it hums! Seriously, next time you’re in line at the Campus Center Grille, give a listen to the taco meat and you’ll see what I mean. I think it’s an A-flat. It tranquilizes cats. But don’t worry, it still tastes like excrement. And the waffles?! Um... excuse me, WHAT?!?!?! Who wants waffles for lunch?! And can somebody tell me what the frikk is the difference between a normal regular human waffle and a "malted" waffle is?! What is malt, anyway? If you ask me, it’s evil.

I’m poissed. That’s French for "pissed". I can not rationalize how, out of all the places on campus to which one may go to eat, none of them have any food that doesn’t SUCK!!! Go ahead, try and find something somewhere on campus which costs points and doesn’t suck. Even the Coke here sucks. I don’t know how, but it’s like ARA manages to add some sort of crappy suck-ola to the Coca-Cola.

And what’s with that?! Hello, Wes is supposed to have a pretty okay economics department, right? Then could somebody from there please explain to me ARA’s belief that they’ll save more money by producing crappier food? Doesn’t it cost just as much to make food suck as it does to make it good? I mean, their food really sucks. It’s like, you gotta work to make it suck that bad.

"I think the food sucks," said Robert Weythman ’99, talking about the food here at Wesleyan, which sucks. "Have you ever had the penne with pink vodka sauce at WesWings before? Or, excuse me, I mean the macaroni with watery crappy tomato sauce that tastes like nothing?"

"Well, I guess the deli is sort of okay," said Bobby Weythman ’99, who is me. "That is, if you don’t mind eating food that sucks!" He’s right, the food there at the deli does suck; just try the oft-spoiled egg salad.

And what about prices?! Are you freakin’ kidding me?!?! Ohhh, WesWings, you thought you just got ripped two paragraphs ago... check this out – YOU SUCK!!! And don’t think you’re getting off scott-free, either, WeShop, ’cause you suck too! And I’m not afraid to say it!!! I mean, four bucks for lettuce?! Ten bucks for a packet of chicken?! Eight bucks for a bag of gummy blue sharks?! Clue the frikk in, people! And by the way, anyone who eats gummy blue sharks sucks too.

Oh, Jeez-o-flip, I’m all worked up! Who’s next?! Mocon? Yeah, Mocon’s great; they got a wide variety... a wide variety of CRAP! And Somerfields... Let me just say this about Somerfields: It suck. That’s right, that’s not a typo, I said, "It suck." It’s got so much crap, it warrants the plural form of the verb. And I’m not even gonna touch Itza, I’m too busy with trips to the bathroom.

And all those cheesey frat "dining clubs" can all just go home, ’cause they suck equally as much, if not more. Man, I hope I’m not belaboring the point here when I say this school’s food sucks! Screw the "Independent Ivy," our motto should be "Wesleyan: Makes Mouths Crappy!"

That’s it, I’m finished. I ain’t gonna eat no crap, damnit! Mmm-hmmmmm...! You can’t make me! The food here sucks, and I’m not eating anymore. So who’s with me?

This column reflects the opinions of Bob "Bobby" Weythman and are not necessarily those of the Ampersand Editorial Board, which meets twice a week.