 Cast your mind back a few short years, and recall those most painful months when your whole being was consumed by the vile College Application Process. Maybe it was smooth sailing for a lot of you, but for me and many others now comfortably enrolled here, it was real bad. Like childbirth, though, the memory of the pain of college apps disappeared once it was over. That is, until I picked up a pair of books that came out about a year ago: Anne Matthews' Bright College Years: Inside the American Campus Today, and Getting In, a novel by James Finney Boylan
Bright College Years "On campus all trends recycle, its historians say. Contemporary students drink more like their grandparents than their parents. College life has always been violent; crisis is the university's natural state."
Bright College Years attempts to give a broad portrait of The American College/University Today, and I must say, it does a pretty good job. Matthews, alas, did not set her researcher's foot on Wesleyan's campus, so...so much for local interest. However, the range of schools she describes is impressive, starting with South Dakota's tiny Sinte Gleska University (which serves the Lakota Indian community), and cruising past the usual suspects: U of Oregon in Eugene, Columbia, Trinity, UC Berkeley. It becomes clear that she could've picked ten or so college names out of a hat, arranged them in any order, and the portrait would look more or less the same, and, frighteningly, a lot more like Wesleyan than I expected. In her "Fall Break" chapter, Matthews describes a reassuringly familiar scene: "As the airport vans pull away from campus on Thursday afternoon, many of the first-years are smiling. After eight weeks on campus, they not only know about genomes and Chinua Achebe and the philosophy of technology, but have acquired dazzling technique in poker, and search engines, Nautilus, and fabric softener. This college ordeal, they are beginning to conclude, is not so scary after all."
Getting In "On their left was a submarine museum, then a Dunkin' Donuts, then a traffic light. On the right was a group of buildings that looked like a science-fiction penitentiary. WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY, a sign read, ARTS CENTER."
There's something so eerie about this-a dippy "relationships" novel set in an all-too-nonfictional place. Dylan, his cousin Juddy, their respective dads Ben and Lefty, Lefty's new wife Chloe, her daughter Allison, and assorted friends and foes hop into a Winnebago to do the College Loop together: Yale, Harvard, Bowdoin, Colby, Dartmouth, Middlebury, Williams, Amherst, and finally our beloved sci-fi penitentiary. In between, Dylan falls for Allison, Chloe hates her husband, Allison breaks up with her boyfriend, some guy named Polo gets some sex....oh, hell, I didn't read this for its plot, and neither will anyone who buys it; the only thing keeping this book on the Good Reads lists is its locale name-dropping. I must say the storyline has no personal connection with me, and doesn't remind me of anyone I know, so while I congratulate Boylan on his college research (he even includes stats from the Insider's Guide ' 98 at each chapter title page), his writing sucks. Considering his last literary effort has the Aaron Spellingian title, Remind Me to Murder You Later, this probably shouldn't be surprising. My advice: Check this out from the library, read the section on Wesleyan, laugh, and return it.
Spring Break: Nude Olympics in Monticello, FL Spring break is coming up, and many of you are undoubtedly wondering just what you can do to shake off old man winter. Of course there are the usual options-Cancun, Fort Lauderdale, Miami Beach, etc. But let's be frank-most of us can't afford them, and those at Wesleyan who can don't want to flaunt it.
So ask yourself this: ever gotten naked and then done the pentathlon? On March 21st, you too can be an Olympian-as long as you check your clothes at the door. The Tallahassee Bare Devils will be hosting the fourth annual nude College Greek Athletic Meet near Monticello, FL. The events are divided into four sections: male and female, athlete and non-athlete (so you won't be completely humiliated on the pole-vault by some budding young Olympian). Registration is at 10AM, and competition begins at 1. There will be a brief information session outlining the events and rules, as well as an informal practice.
Participation costs nothing, although if you just want to go leer for a few hours, it'll cost you $12. Everyone will be, and must be, naked. http://www.freenet.tlh.fl.us/~tbaredev or call (850) 222-1886
A colonic is a 45-minute procedure that cleanses your large intestine by pumping forty gallons of water through your colon. It costs between $40 and $75. The cleansing begins as you recline in a plush leather chair with your legs spread. One end of a long tube slips into your poop-chute and the other plugs into a large appliance. Water pumps into your colon. Then they suck fecal matter and toxic cells from the body and collect them in a disposal unit. The tube is transparent, so you can watch what happens-just like TV!
Five, ten, even fifteen pounds of fecal matter have reportedly been removed fromindividual colons. Some clients have colonics every three weeks-not because they need to, but because they want to be sodomized by a garden hose. On request, some clinics provide "Hooked on Colonics Worked for Me" bumper stickers for preferred customers.
Not everyone agrees about the benefits. Some doctors argue that the liver, kidneys, and intestines are capable of proper digestion and excretion by themselves. Others suggest that colonics "confuse the colon" and may disrupt proper function. Most doctors, however, believe that colonic irrigation does not disturb proper colon functions. Proponents say that our bodies are not capable of handling an "American lifestyle"-fast food, high stress, little sleep, etc. Proper digestive function should include three bowel movements per day (one for each meal).
Colonic supporters argue that Americans need to get their systems in shape. More than 70% of Americans have worms, encrusted fecal matter, and impaction in the colon. Up to 35% of the population has eight pounds of matter lining the colon, and another 35% has five pounds. Visualize for a moment a greenish brown glob of Nickelodeon Gak with protruding hair, worms, and an assortment of other colors and textures growing inside you. Fats, cholesterol, free radicals, and other irritating molecules act as toxins. Toxic dead cells also stick in the colon. These are dysfunctional cells that are saturated with chemicals, dyes, pollution, radiation, etc. (Unconfirmed studies show all these toxins are present in Mocon food). Presently, colon cancer vies with breast and lung cancer for the status of the worst killer in the United States.
Benefits from a colonic include feeling lighter and more energetic, improvement in skin condition, less body odor and bad breath, less belly distension, immune system improvement, restoration of tone, regularity of colon function, a sense of well-being, and the inspiration to take care of yourself.
A colonic should only be administered under certain conditions. You need to be relaxed prior to the procedure. Some clinics offer extras for additional fees. A reflexologist can massage your feet, which has connecting nerves to the intestines, to help relax the colon. After the colonic is taken, you should not eat solid foods for a day or so to allow the body to detoxify-spending energy normally used on digestion to clear out remaining toxic build-up throughout the body. Fasting, massage, meditation, yoga, and soothing baths are also recommended.
There are benefits from taking a colonic only if you approach the procedure with the right frame of mind. Quick weight-loss is not the purpose of colon-cleaning. If you choose to take a colonic, you should go into the procedure thinking about changes that could make your lifestyle healthier. After seeing multi-colored fecal matter and toxins removed from your body you should feel obligated to incorporate healthy habits into your life: drink lots of water and eat water-rich foods to cleanse the urinary tract and bowels, eat less meat and more organic fruits and vegetables, eat less high-sugar and high-carbohydrate foods, and create a manageable exercise regimen to keep your body fit. Colonics have gained popularity over the past several years, and it appears that this procedure will continue to lure inquisitive-and in my opinion slightly daring-people to colonic clinics.
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