|
His identity revealed by Jay Feinberg |
I've been kicked around in the system before. Haven't we all? I've come to accept that the world is full of injustice and people with an unquenchable thirst for power. In my high school years it really got me down. I remained down about the situation for years until I had a revelation. Granted, this revelation was common knowledge to many, but to me it was new. I realized that there is a power out there which controls all the lousy things which happen to righteous people. This force of evil is known universally as The Man. C'mon, you knew he was out there. He's screwed us all at one time or another.
Like many of my fellow students I have had reason to believe that The Man was actually in the vicinity of Middletown, possibly even working here at Wesleyan. Well fear him no longer, because I have found him, and he's not nearly as intimidating in person as you might think. You're probably wondering how I came across The Man; after all, he's known for his elusiveness. Well, here's how it all went down:I'd been working in WEShop for about four weeks. From the moment I started I had an eerie feeling that there is something more to that place than meets the eye. At first I was just confused, but then the pieces of the puzzle started coming together. There were the outrageous prices and ridiculous amount of Nabisco products. Then the obsession of taking everybody's ID before ringing them up (I don't know if you've ever noticed, but they scan your card twice when you go there). The next thing that got me thinking was those cameras. Look around next time you're there; they're all over the place. And the final piece in this puzzle was Leonard, the cashier (you know who he is). All these hints fell together, like at the end of a Scooby Doo show. And that's when I realized that The Man was headquartered nearby. Exactly where, I did not know. One day it all came together.
I was going about my usual routine at work, filling in the milk and what-not when the time came for my break. Imagine the rush of excitement as I contemplated a full ten minutes of leisure. According to the policy which was relayed to me, I was entitled to $5.38 worth of free food on my break. At WEShop that equals one hummus sandwich made at MoCon, a can of soda, and a cheesy little ninety-nine cent bag of candy corn. There is only one catch: you can only take what you can eat. I figured that to mean no two liter bottles, frozen meats, etc., and I sat down and ate my paltry meal in the six minutes of break time that I had left. The sandwich and the soda went down quick but I didn't get to the candy corn so I placed it on top of my backpack for later consumption and went back to work.
This is where the whole story comes together. At the end of my shift Christine, the assistant manager with the eighties haircut, asked me if she could speak with me for a moment. She lead me through the tinted door at the rear of WEShop which bears a sign warning all others not to go back there. Then she took me through a labrynthian passageway which ends at yet another door. On the other side was an office, and someone in there wanted to speak to me. I stepped in and looked around. Then, I was overcome as everything came into place in one instant. It was like a dream from the night before that you can't remember until something makes it all rush back at once. First I looked at the far wall, and saw a video monitor. Then, on top of the desk, I saw stacks of money and a big safe over in the corner. This was the moment that I realized I was face to face with The Man. He knew I was on his trail, I think. What else could explain what happened next?
He asked me, "Do you know what our policy is regarding employee meal times?"
"Yes," I said. "My purchase is not to exceed $5.38."
"WRONG!" The Man bellowed at me. "You are permitted to take only that which you can eat during your break!"
To make a long story a little shorter, The Man proceeded to berate me for my ignorance and question my integrity. I told him it was a matter of misunderstanding and that I truly had intended to eat the candy corns as part of my meal, and that this task is far from unconscionable. It wasn't like I had stashed away a six-pack of Pepsi or a side of frozen beef. (NOTE: The Man loves beef.) The Man would not yield. Instead, he insulted me again, this time by questioning my intelligence. At this point I offered to return the unopened bag of candy corn which I had so slyly stashed on top of my backpack in plain sight of all. Once again, The Man would not yield. I must admit, though, I was not expecting to be terminated for my petty violation of WEShop law, which I had committed because a high-ranking co-employee had given me erroneous information regarding employee meal-time procedure. Ah, but such is the web of deceit The Man weaves. Indeed, there is no other Man who could possibly be so cold, calculating, and reclusive. I knew that there was no point in trying to do battle with The Man on his turf, so I left his lair with my head up high, knowing that The Man feared me, and saw it necessary to remove me because I was a threat to him.
The beauty of the whole situation is this: The Man knows I'm on to him. And though I may never be able to gain access to his headquarters again I can fight him in other ways. That is where I turn to you, the reader. Undoubtedly you shop at WEShop occasionally. Well, next time you're there, look for The Man. If you see him, let him know that you're on to him. Hey, you could just flip the finger at one of those cameras he's got set up to keep tabs on you, if that's your style. Feel free to inquire about his whereabouts. And please, refer to him as The Man. Perhaps if we can collectively apply enough pressure to him, he will flee from Middletown and his treacherous influence over Wesleyan will be removed. For it is he, not Bennet, who runs the show here and keeps good folks like you and me down.
How will you know him when you see him? It's fairly obvious that he is The Man. He's middle-aged, stands about 5'10", has brown hair and, of course, brown eyes. Not surprisingly he has chosen to go by the uncommon title John. Oh yes, and he is slightly overweight. In other words, he's pretty much what you expected.
Finally, you may be wondering how Leonard ties into this story. What makes him a clue? Come on, think about it. Leonard's known this all along. He's the only one who knew, until now. Wouldn't you be in a pissy mood if you were the sole possessor of this knowledge and you were powerless to do anything about it? So next time youÕre in WEShop, after you do whatever it is you have to do there, while Leonard's ringing up your purchase, give him a wink. Let him know we're on his side now.