As discussed in our previous article, parents have to back off to allow their college-aged children to develop as adults but also need to be there to back them up when needed.  To decide when to back off or back up our children, it helps to be aware of three broad developmental tasks of young adults and their parents. 

Developmental tasks

 First, our students are creating their identities, defining how they are unique and how they are similar to others.  This task of clarifying one's own voice and seeing what preferences, goals, values, and relationships fit requires some privacy.  Students create "fences" to regulate parent knowledge about what they are doing and feeling and to modulate parental involvement in their decisions.  College students understand solving problems by themselves, on their side of the fence, as part of developing independence from their parents.  Even if uncertain and anxious on the inside, they may work hard to look confident on the outside. 

Second, students continue to develop their own personal support networks.  They must figure out whom they can count on for fun, practical help, intimacy, and emotional support in times of crisis.  Negotiating their adult relationships with their parents is part of students' development of their broader support networks.  

Third, when their children leave home for college, parents take another step in the lifelong modification of their instincts to protect and guide their children.  They must move from more intense supervision to tentative trust.  No longer able to protect, structure, monitor, or prod their college students on a daily basis, parents must learn to trust them to be physically safe and to make choices and to learn from the consequences.  But, caring parents cannot stop looking over the fence.

The independence boundary is a dynamic psychological fence that may change daily, or even within a telephone call; so managing these parent-young adult relationships is tricky.  Young adults need to develop the independence boundary in order to act on their own, while keeping the gate open enough to get help when needed.  During those moments when their sense of self is fragile and they don't feel as if they are living up to their own ideals, talking about a problem or asking for help may arouse shame.  Other people, including parents, can become confused about whether the college student wants them to intervene.  Parents, although we vary by culture, family, and even spouse, almost universally understand the need to encourage independence; but we may jump back to a supervisory stance when we believe that our child's safety is at stake or s/he is making a mistake according to our values or experience.  Consequently, our college students often wonder whether we trust them or are going to keep telling them how to live. 

 In our own family, we have frequently failed in this delicate balance-- giving unwanted advice or asking the wrong questions until our child barks, telling us to back away.  With awareness of the developmental challenges above and with the humility induced by our own experience, we offer the following suggestions about backing up your children.

 Backing up college students

 It is vital that we parents back our children up emotionally when they open the gate and indicate they want help with the normal ups and downs of college life.  For example, it is important to listen and comfort when they are upset about a bad grade, about an unreasonable coach or professor, about a roommate's totally different sleep or alcohol use pattern, or the breakup of a relationship.  Even difficulties that seem minor to us, given our perspective, may seem devastating to them.  A "hug" over the phone or through email that simply affirms the student's feelings about the situation and an expression of faith that they will find a way through it may suffice.  After offering such support, parents should continue to bring the problem up in the next conversations, but shouldn't be surprised if the student gets over it before they do.  On the other hand, minimizing the situation, or saying too early that the student will get over it, can be seen as dismissive and will likely shut down the conversation.

 It is just as vital, but harder, to back our children up when they open the gate to express their suffering or confusion about major issues on which we have strong opinions.  This may happen, for example, when a student discards a career choice in which parents are invested, or considers dropping out of college, or reveals a sexual preference that is counter to parental expectations, or considers a major that parents think will not pay off.  This is the time for parents to practice our new role of listening across the fence, which will become a key role in our lifetime relationships with our children.  Our young adults need to be able to think out loud in the context of a safe relationship and to hear back that someone can understand their point of view.  They crave an encouraging go-ahead from parents as well as from other mentors and role models.  They appreciate someone who can gently question their thoughts and plans in a joint effort to clarify next steps.  Personally, we note that we often jump too quickly to give advice, sometimes forgetting that people educate their judgment by making their own decisions and noting the consequences.  As one of our friends said, the best advice is to give no advice unless it is requested.

 However, there are times when parents should walk through the gate and help their college student even if they are not invited-- when there are serious problems such as depression, anxiety, sexual assault, eating disorders, or substance abuse.    These problems have the potential to seriously impact academic progress and life development. 

 Depression is common.  A recent Boston area study, cited in the May 22 issue of USA Today and in Higher Education Center News (www.edc.org/hec/hecnews/1652.html), found that 14% of college students reported significant depressive symptoms, and about half that group reported symptoms of major depression.  Thanks to better and more available treatment, many students enter college having started depression treatment.  Depression may or may not follow a crisis, such as a love loss or confusion about a major.  Signs of clinical depression include sad mood, increased irritability, hopelessness, excessive crying, difficulty with sleep initiation or maintenance, unwanted early morning awakening, loss of interest in things normally enjoyed, increased self blame and guilt, low energy or fatigue, poor concentration and difficulty thinking, decrease or increase in appetite, unexplained aches and pains, thoughts that life is not worth living, and suicidal plans or acts.  While all students may experience some of those symptoms some of the time, there should be increased concern if the student is experiencing some of the symptoms persistently for two weeks or more; and there should be immediate concern if there are suicidal thoughts or acts.  Students may report these symptoms explicitly; but more typically they describe being unable to concentrate on their work, perhaps sleeping through their classes, getting hopelessly behind in their work, and not even enjoying activities like going to the gym anymore.  Depression is a serious condition that requires professional help through either medication or therapy.  If you believe your child is depressed, urge him/her to use Wesleyan resources to find help.  If your child indicates any suicidal thoughts, get her/him immediate help. 

 If your child reports a sexual assault, no matter how tentatively, offer support and immediate help.  Avoid questions about how your child contributed to the crime because such questions lead a victim to perceive that she or he is being blamed for the crime.  Focus instead on comforting your child, understanding feelings, and getting help.  Encourage your child to talk to the appropriate Wesleyan resource people in order to get necessary medical attention or counseling and to decide whether to pursue college disciplinary or legal options. 

 These are just two examples of serious situations that may require parents' assistance.  Such situations upset parents tremendously and are even more difficult if children do not invite parents through their fence of independence.   Yet, you should consider doing more than looking over the fence if you notice worrisome changes.  We are not referring to normal exploration of identity such as changes in hairstyles, music, or friends, or even to body piercing.  Greater cause for concern arises, for example, if you suddenly notice that your child calls home much more often or much less often, that his/her email messages consistently express sadness, that s/he always seem hung over when you call, or that s/he seem to be getting thinner and making excuses not to eat.  And, in the rare event that your child's college friends contact you to express worry about extreme depression, drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, self-destructive sexual behavior, or sexual assault, you should take such warnings seriously.

 When you become concerned, talk to your child to see if s/he will acknowledge the problem; if you are seriously concerned, go visit if possible.  These discussions can be difficult; the Higher Education Center for Alcohol and Other Drug Prevention (www.edc.org/hec/parents/) lists resources to help parents talk about drinking, which could help you talk about other problems as well.  Focus on specific behaviors and your worries about the consequences.  There may be perfectly good explanations; then you can jump back over the fence and leave your son or daughter alone.  However, if you continue to see the problems and their consequences, such as falling grades, persist in looking over the fence for the cause.  Unfortunately, denial is one of the psychological trappings of drug and alcohol addiction as well as eating disorders; so students may not agree at the moment that they are in trouble.  Don't give up.  If necessary, call Wesleyan's Office of Behavioral Health for Students (OBHS) or Dean's Office to ask for assistance.  They may have suggestions for how to approach your child or, in extreme situations, may be able to approach the student themselves.

 Finally, it is important to acknowledge that young adults mature at different rates.  Occasionally, if students demonstrate that they are not ready to handle responsibly the freedom given to them on their side of the fence, parents may have to provide more structure and consequences so that the student faces problems or simply has time to mature.  For example, parents may decline to pay any further tuition for a capable student who is not studying until that student demonstrates more willingness to work and take college seriously. 

 Although the developmental tasks may seem challenging at times, most students survive their problems and crises, learn from them, and go on to become mature adults.  They develop adult identities and learn to thrive in healthy and supportive relationships.  Furthermore, most parents "grow up" to have enriched trusting relationships with their adult children-- although they may never stop looking over the fence and wondering whether their children are safe and making wise decisions.