MTV Sucks a Fat One, But You Knew That Already

by Eric Ducker

Yes, videos on MTV are in easy target, but fuck it. A few critiques had to be made because it is such a rare occasion that actual videos do get played. Furthermore, when they are actually shown they get interrupted by footage of some around-the-way boy who wants to hear DMX (yo) or some girl from Iowa who is bustin' her New York City cherry and requests the new one from N Sync. P.S. Would anyone mind if I used Jesse Camp's hairspray to make a blow torch to reduce Carson Daly's vapid ass to a pile of ashes?

The biggest surprise is that the usually censorship happy MTV does not blackout the dancer's glorious fish-eye booty jiggle like BET. The rest is the standard Busta - lots of wacky costumes and ill posturing.

Yo, what's with Sonny's ex doing a Roger Troutman imitation?

You can paint shit up with glitter, makeup, and New Order, but it's still shit.

These two Modern Rock Radio thoroughbreds were neck-and-neck for worst song of 1998. Offspring won the race because the studio vato says cinco twice in the chorus' countoff in espanol, and that just pisses me off. Barenaked Ladies almost had it for the "Chickity China, the Chinese Chicken" line but then I realized Busta Rhymes said it first in "Scenario."

Masta P's little brother tries, and fails miserably, to keep up with No Limit MVP Mystikal. A paint-by-numbers hip-hop video where the only thing missing is a Jaleel "Urkle" White cameo.

Pure video genius for a weak song that doesn't deserve such good treatment. Spike Jonze makes me happy all over.

I would give my left nut for that Slick Rick puppet. Dre from Outkast sweeps the awards for Illest Hairstyle, Illest Fashion Sense, and Illest Dance.

What's Limp Bizkit's point with this video?

1. Look, we're friends with Korn.

2. We can make any crappy song crappier with our thrash metal/"rap" hybrid.

According to my figures, Foxy either touches or jiggles her breasts 117 times in this video.

Straight dookie, strictly on principle

Not only did those poor little rabbits sacrifice their lives to make that fur coat, but then she throws the thing in the ocean. Man, that's just a fucking kick in the face.

No, I have no idea what he's saying, but his teeth sure are shiny. I can't figure out in the end if he is saying "Run for it" or "Run Forest." Dear God, please let it be a Gump reference from a Cash Money hustla.

Bravely making statutory rape fantasies safe for men everywhere. Southern fried jailbait who needs to ask herself, "Whatever did happen to Tiffany?"

Crappity crap crap on all levels. Where's Danny Boy when you need him?

Lenny Kravitz must live an amazing life where he is constantly surrounded by attractive young people who just can't stop dancing. I've heard better lyrics from 14 years old guitarists whose primary influences are Bush and Silverchair. "I want to fly/Up to the sky/Just like a dragonfly/So very high." This is a post-modern critique of current song-writers, right?

Jewel proves that being a good samaritan doesn't mean you have to mess up your makeup or produce anything of musical worth.

I refuse to believe that the new sound of a teenage rebellion sound like FM lite and comes from a guy in a faded Mickey Mouse t-shirt. I'd rather take Slash, strutting around with a snake, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Donald Duck t-shirt any day. The dreamer's disease? The music in me? What the fuck are you talking about? And what's up with Hanson dis. Yeah, that's hardcore. This could be the biggest feud in music since Tupac and Biggie.

No complaints here.