MTV Sucks a Fat One, Part Deux

by Eric Ducker

I am the stick that has no qualms about beating a dead horse. To all of those rudy-poo jabronies who have the audacity to make weak videos, you should know role and realize that you are only bound for a one-way trip down Smackdown St. via one bad-ass Corporate Elbow. If you smell what the Erock is cookin'.

TLC "No Scrubs"

Where does it say in the modern R&B diva handbook that it is imperative that you look ridiculous in your videos. This shit comes off like the outtakes from when they let the backup dancers play around on the leftover sets from Michael and Janet Jackson's "Scream" video. I can't believe these ladies are making me nostalgic for the days when they wore lime green overalls and condoms over their eyes.

I'm sorry, I just can't get over how funny looking this kid is. What's Clare Danes doing dating him? He's straight up Brain Crackow material.

Green Day "Nice Guys Finish Last"

Say what you will about Green Day and Varsity Blues, but this clip is genuinely fun-fun-funny. It features the best cheerleader stagedive since the gymnasium angst of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Bonus points for the announcer in the beginning authentically pronouncing "Bay Area" like one word.

The Offspring "Why Don't You Get a Job"

You want steel drum-wielding rastas? You got it. You want random hang glider entrances? No sweat. (Incidentally, I recently had a hang glider almost land on my head. It was scary, not cool). You want armpit-sniffing white trash punks? Sure thing. You want gratuitous roof-raising? Hell yeah, dude. It's all part of Offspring's "Up With People" campaign. As far as end-of-video explosions go, however, this one is severely lacking. Nikki Sixx would be ashamed. Oh, you want me to comment on the song itself? It sucks, but I thought that was a given.

Nas "Nas Is Like"

Nas tries to throw the Nasty back in front of his name with this street cred-seeking video. Sorry Nasir, no matter how many shots of you in the stairwell, your homies in the projects showing you love, or DJ Premier, I still can't forgive you for the Firm's album. I long for the innocent days of your guest appearance on Main Source's "Live at the BBQ." Incidentally, when will Large Professor ever put out a full length release. "Buy the album when I drop it" my ass.

Madonna "Rain"

The haircut of "Open Your Heart" + the lighting of "Express Yourself" + the hokeyness of "This Used to Be My Playground" + the theatric hand gestures of "Vogue" + the banal spoken parts of "Erotica" = Madonna doing an accurate Celine Dion imitation. Watch as Carlos Leon's baby's mama wonders at her own wonderfulness.

The Bare Naked Ladies "It's All Been Done"

It seems that BNL took the title of the song to heart when choosing the concept for this video and picked the idea with the smallest bit of originality. Here's my concept for the video: three and a half minutes of a burning bus falling off of a cliff in slow motion. Oh yeah, the Bare Naked Ladies are inside of the bus.

Videos by Loki, Pollyanna, Frenzal Rhomb, and Lavish

If you're lucky, you'll never have to see videos by these thoroughly uninspiring alterna-bands because they'll keep their stankin' asses in Australia where they won't contaminate anyone else with their hooptieness.

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion "Magical Colors"

Raise your hand if the sight of a topless Judah Bauer makes you hot all over. If you replied affirmatively and pale, skinny guys melt your butter, I'd like to introduce you to most of my male friends at Wesleyan. If you replied with a negatory...fuck you. You don't know what you're missing.

Yummy. Spasmatic. Hugable. Vociferous. Flame-retardant. Chose the adjective to your liking.

The Spice Girls "Goodbye"

Having someone walk in on you when you're watching a Spice Girls video is like getting arrested for shoplifting. It's not the act itself you regret. It's the getting caught part.