REVISING FOR
SIMPLICITY, CLARITY, AND COHESION
By Lisa Dombrowski
Revised by Chitra Wadhwani
"Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can.
That is the only secret of style." --Matthew Arnold
Introduction | Simplicity
| Clarity | Cohesion
| Conclusion | Online
Sources
You've just typed the period ending
the last sentence in your paper. You check for spelling errors. You write
your name on the first page. You're all done, right? Not really. Just because
you've written a paper from introduction to conclusion doesn't mean you
are ready to turn it in. A paper isn't truly finished until every word,
every sentence, every paragraph is clear. "Ugh!" you say. "That could take
years!" True, revision does take time and a certain amount of effort, but
it is the best way to improve your writing. If you have a fully written
first draft (proofread for spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors),
and want help revising your paper, this guide is for you.
When commenting on students' writing,
professors often mark passages which are awkward, vague, unclear, unsupported,
or poorly constructed. This guide alerts you to common writing problems,
and suggests strategies for producing simple, clear, and cohesive prose.
Examples are given where applicable, and a page from a paper, with revisions,
is included at the end.
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In his book On Writing Well, William
Zinsser uses a blackout order issued in 1942 as an example of vague, wordy
writing:
Such preparations shall be made as
will completely obscure all Federal buildings and non-Federal buildings
occupied by the Federal government during an air raid for any period of
time from visibility by reason of internal or external illumination.
What exactly does this mean? "Tell
them," President Roosevelt said, "that in buildings where they have to
keep the work going, to put something across the windows."
Like Roosevelt, we are bombarded
every day by long-winded sentences full of empty phrases and meaningless
rhetoric. Resist the temptation to imitate this dull style in your own
writing. Follow FDR's example and write simply.
Here are six common instances of
cluttered writing which, if remedied, will simplify your prose:
1. Words that serve
no function-Every word in a sentence should add meaning to the
whole. Eliminate words that do not. This does not mean all sentences have
to be short, or lack detail. Instead, look for those words which are unnecessary
to understand the point of the sentence. Some commonly expendable words
are: that, who is, which was, basically, practically, actually, and generally.
2. Long words that can be short--The
shorter and simpler a word, the easier it is to understand. Delete those
words which are unnecessarily formal or obscure, and replace them with
a more common synonym. Examples include:
endeavor (try)
utilize (use)
adepts (supporters)
facilitate (ease)
implement (do)
in lieu of (instead of)
and convention (custom).
3. Phrases that take the place
of words--Phrases are often used when a single word will do:
with the possible exception
of (except)
due to the fact that (because)
for the purpose of (for)
and referred to as (called).
Academic, corporate, and military writing
is especially full of inflated terms:
sociologically disadvantaged
(poor)
fiscal downturn (recession)
reinforced protective reaction
strike (invasion)
Redundant phrases can also be shortened:
each and every (each)
first and foremost (first)
each individual (each)
end result (result)
final outcome (outcome)
initial start (start)
4. Phrases which tell instead
of show--Phrases such as "It should be pointed out that," or "It
is interesting to note that" often introduce new concepts. However, these
introductions add little. There is no need to announce what you are going
to write, just write it. Phrases which describe your thoughts or opinions
are also unnecessary: it has been observed, it appears, it is apparent
that, it is obvious that, and of course. If your argument is clear and
well-supported, there is no need to draw attention to it.
5. Unnecessary use of the negative--Positive
statements are more concise than those in the negative. Example:
Not many of the dogs
were not able to come home.(Few of the dogs failed to come home)
Negative statements are best used when
stating a contradiction or denying a point. Example:
Unlike the British, the
Russians did not have a parliament.
6. Unnecessary use of the passive
voice--Active sentences are more succinct than passive sentences.
Example:
The washing of the clothing
was done by Rose (Rose washed the clothing).
The passive voice is best used when
the agent of the action is unknown or unimportant. Example:
The President was elected
by a twenty percent margin.
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Although the ideas in a sentence
may be simply stated, they could remain awkward or vague. Ask yourself
during revision: What am I trying to say? Have I said it clearly? Would
my argument be understandable to someone encountering it for the first
time? Look for the following examples of unclear writing:
1. Vague words or
abstract phrases--Nothing is more empty and boring than general
statements. Use concrete words which report details and provide specifics.
Ex) The fighting was heavy (After the mortar attack, the 31st Infantry
broke through the camp perimeter and flattened the yard with machine-gun
fire).
2. Pronouns used without clear
antecedents--Even though you may know what you are referring to,
it is best to restate proper names instead of using this, these, that,
or those. Be specific. Example:
This law greatly reduced
the power of the upper house (The Parliamentary Act of 1911 greatly reduced
the power of the House of Lords).
3. Cliches and unnecessary jargon--Avoid
faddish, over-used, and ready-made phrases. Use a thesaurus to find appropriate
synonyms. Example:
The washed-up brownshoe,
after a long day of waging a lonely war against the forces of evil, opened
the door with a sigh of relief, only to be met by his old lady
(After coming home from work, the
weary detective opened the door and greeted his wife).
Also, keep away from foreign or scientific
phrases if you know a common English equivalent. Examples:
ex post facto (after
the fact)
cognitive dissonance (conflicting
feelings).
Note, however, that some academic disciplines
expect students to demonstrate knowledge of specific terms in their writing.
4. Undefined terms--When
first using a foreign, scientific, or academic term new to the reader,
include a brief definition. Also define words whose meaning can be easily
misinterpreted. Ex) democracy, freedom, justice, equality, the masses.
5. Inactive sentence construction--When
possible, construct sentences with specific nouns and verbs, clearly indicating
the agent or source of the action, the action, and the goal or result of
the action. Example:
The passing of legislation
occurs at the congressional level
(Congress passes laws) .
Also avoid using "there is" or "there
are." Example:
There was an economic
downturn because of decreased productivity (Decreased productivity
caused the depression).
6. Subjects and verbs divided
by clauses--Related subjects and verbs should not be divided by
a phrase or clause that can be moved to the beginning of the sentence.
Example:
Hamlet, after his father
died, contemplated suicide
(After his father died, Hamlet contemplated
suicide).
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Precise words and clear sentences
must also be supported by a logical structure which holds the paper together.
One sentence should relate to the next, and one paragraph to the paper
as a whole. To unite the different parts of your paper, be aware of these
five structural pitfalls:
1. Lack of a clear
structure--If you are in an unfamiliar discipline or are writing
a specific type of paper, consult your TA or professor about proper design.
A response to a journal article in psychology is structured very differently
than a response to The Great Gatsby. Once you have chosen a suitable design
for your paper, introduce the structure in the first paragraph(s) and stick
to it. At the beginning of a new section, be sure to note how the section
relates to the paper as a whole and what you are arguing in that section.
2. Paragraphs dealing with
multiple subjects--Each paragraph should explore with one topic.
In the f irst sentence of the paragraph, provide a transition from the
previous subject and introduce the new topic.
3. Abrupt transitions--Use
the beginnings of sentences to ref er to previous statements or to ideas
already known. Short transitional words and orienting phrases at the start
of sentences and paragraphs also create a smooth flow of information. Examples
of different types of transitional phrases are: Adding (furthermore, similarly,
moreover, and, also); opposing (but, however, though, nevertheless); Concluding
(so, therefore, for, as a result); ordering (first, second, finally, in
conclusion); Orienting (for the most part, in the early part of the century,
politically speaking).
4. Inconsistent use of voice
or tense--Choose a voice (usually first person participant or third
person observer) and tense (present or past) . Stick with your choice through
the whole paper, if possible; if not, maintain consistency within each
paragraph.
5. Redundant or unnecessary
sentences--Make every sentence support your argument and say something
new. If any sentence is tangential to your thesis or fails to add information,
eliminate it.
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Revision is part of writing, and
writing is hard work. Few sentences come out perfectly the first time
they are written. Still, every time you revise a paper you identify your
own writing problems and learn to correct them. With practice, many of
these revision suggestions can be incorporated into your initial writing
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